Saturday, 27 February 2010

Constant vigilance - and a confession

Today an old struggle dropped back to haunt me. I let my guard down, having had lots of revision to do and very little rest, I neglected my usual time with God. Even the very important prophet Daniel, a learned man with a full schedule set apart time with God, each and every day. King David, a busy ruler, set aside time each morning to just dwell in God's presence.

When I was a teenager, I lived in an elite girls' boarding school. It was very much a sorority environment - we looked out for each other and I loved every minute of the sorority life. However, I was obsessed with being perfect. There was always something to strive towards, and someone to model myself after - the prettier girl, the smarter girl, the more athletic girl, the dancer, the singer, the pianist, the cheerleader, the netballer, the hot one, the cool one... the list goes on. Being on scholarship, I wasn't well off like my paying friends were, but I fitted in well. I loved my time there but I was swept along the rat race. We enjoyed being 'admired' by the younger girls (it's complicated!) who gave us gifts on Valentine's day, and who would look up to us whilst we took them under our wing.

I wanted to make sure I would always be looked up to. As a child, I was always teased for being chubby but at the end of the day, I would come back home and the pressure is lifted. Then boarding school happened. All of a sudden there were 200 other girls in my age range. They were beautiful, rich, glossy, talented and clever. I started to eat very little and did a lot of exercise. I was up at 6.30 and running on the track, had P.E during school, played some basketball after school and swam before dinner. Some days I could get by with just a tiny cup of carrot sticks or nothing at all.
I was obsessed with being thin
I let my weight define my self-worth. I filled my mind with rubbish.

Then God found me. He defined me: a child of the King of Kings, saved, loved, highly favoured, a citizen of His kingdom.

I failed to fill my mind with the things of God this week. My workload got the better of me and the old habit of wanting to gain control crept back, stealthily, sneakily, cunningly. I was looking through some old photos of me back in boarding school - dance photos, choir photos, photos of us chilling in our dorms. Before I knew it, I was filled with horror at how fat I've become. How I've let myself go. How I'm not going to marry the "right" sort (rich, good looking, elite-society). How I've neglected my piano playing. How I haven't played netball in awhile and I bet I'm really sloppy with my footwork now.

I told myself I was ugly and fat.

WHAT RRRUBBISH!! (Dave Emmett style)

Well the enemy is a liar.

Romans 12:2 says "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I need to be vigilant in my relationship with God. It is after all the most important thing I will ever invest in.