Autumn Leaves (actual ones, not the song)

This shot was taken on my phone as I was walking down Mosley Street off St Peter's Square. A phone photo really doesn't do this justice and it's Autumn/Winter time when I most long for a DSLR. The colours in my surroundings start to become very muted due to the reduction in light. They look like similar species of trees that just happen to be in different phases. Perhaps they each want to make their own fashion statement! 

Jesus said to us: "...and why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin" (Matthew 6:28)

Jesus didn't ask us not to work. What he means is that as we work, we should enjoy the peace and joy that comes through faith in Him. I actually took this shot on my way to the bus stop from work after spending my Saturday alone in the office, working through my ever increasing to-do list. My hours at work can be crazy but I love that God tells me not to be anxious as He is always in control. 

Incidentally, I'm slightly concerned that the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the trees was Neopolitan Ice Cream! Yum.. Chocolate Strawberry and Vanilla. 

Ivory tears

My friends may be surprised to know that I started playing the piano at the age of four. Surprised because I don't play very much now, and don't talk about it very much either. My first piano was a black, upright Petrof. My parents had very little money back then but they saved all they could to buy me a proper piano (were there digital keyboards back in 1989? I don't know...). My eyes lit up at the beautiful shiny ivory and black keys, and with legs not quite long enough to reach the sustain pedal, I began taking weekly lessons. I didn't know very much about pianos back then, only that my Petrof piano was painfully heavy for a child's fingers compared to my tutor's Yamaha. Years later, I learnt that Petrofs are Czech, and that it was founded by a man who studied piano making in Vienna in the 1800s.

My piano lessons over the many years were, in short, the bane of my life. What started out as something fun soon became a chore. I begged my parents to let me quit but they felt that I was at an age where I didn't know what was best for me. And so began the ivory tears, the few hours before my piano lessons with a very strict classical piano teacher were moments of panic and dismay. I begrudgingly and soullessly trundled my way through hours of Bach, Cramer and Hadyn. Oh, and 10 minutes of Hanon exercises daily.

Fast forward 10 years, I left my home country Malaysia to study in Singapore. By then, I could sight read classical pieces in the three most popular clefs (treble, bass, who-uses-it-anymore-C-clef), tell you the intervals of most musical instruments and identify when a note was a quarter-tone flat/sharp. My music training was militant and I was glad to be rid of it. I never believed I had real talent - what I achieved was just a result of hours of practising and memorising a piece. My piano was too big to travel with me and so it was goodbye piano.

One day, I was in a hotel and the pianist was playing the most beautiful jazz improv, something which I could never dream of doing. As I mentioned before, I don't think I'm a talented musician - just a girl who kept playing set pieces over and over again until she got it right. This man was playing from the soul, his fingers speaking so naturally that I was instantly envious - it was something I've never unlocked. I'm not a "creative" spirit, and whilst I could have a song in my head, I don't know how to create it naturally with my hands on the keys. I am no improv jazz pianist. Instead of your usual Autumn Leaves or Night & Day, Mr Hotel Pianist was playing Cramer's Les suivantes No.2 in his own interpretation. It was beautiful.

I have a love-hate relationship with the piano. After years of scoldings and disappointment (my ABRSM piano exams were my worst fears, next was the loss of my parents and the dentist), my confidence wilts when I'm asked to play. My pulse quickens with nerves even before I set my hands on ivory. I played regularly for worship in Sunday meetings in Malaysia at one point but stopped when I was told off by a lady at church for being fidgety. The only time I can play is when nobody is listening but God and I.

One day, I was in the music room in my halls of residence with D, my now fiance. He knew I played the piano once upon a time and asked casually if I would play something. Immediately, the feeling of panic struck and I adamantly refused and changed the subject. I'd shelved piano playing in my past. For Christmas that year, he bought me a little Yamaha 66-key keyboard. This is a photo of the said keyboard:

I'm pleased to say that I started learning to play the piano again today, and will be practising on my Christmas present. This time it's because I want to do it. My piano playing past has been peppered with doubt, criticism and self-consciousness: all things which are lies and not of God. Instead, I choose to be God-conscious and and apply my hands to an instrument to create songs of worship. I choose to think and live in a way which glorifies Him, not myself. I lift my eyes beyond my little world and my little past and see Him. The best way of getting over yourself is to know that it's all about Jesus.

Photo-prayer

O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting

I took the above photo with an old little Fuji Finepix on a family trip on the Yorkshire Dales. It's not a fancy widelens - just three photos taken side by side and stitched together.

Lord Jesus, it's been a tough day. My mind was discouraged, but You already know that. You know my thoughts. I just want to declare Your goodness in all situations. Your faithfulness reaches to the heavens. Your righteousness is like the mountains. Your wisdom is deeper than the ocean's depths. You are my strength and my joy. And Your love! Your love! Your love is indescribable. Thank you Lord.

EZ

Confessions

I have to admit...

Sometimes I feel self-conscious about being taller than you.
I feel like we're being judged as a couple, even if it's not out of malice.
People just react to unconventional-looking situations.

I've noticed people staring, and it used to make me sad. I used to worry about how funny we look in photos, and how we'll look standing at the alter on our wedding day.

But then God teaches me to not conform to how the world thinks. 

I'm no longer the shallow person I used to be 6 years ago. 

You have the stature of the fullness of Christ.

And that's what matters.

I love you <3

Provision

Manna is the name of a food which was eaten by the Israelites during their travels in the desert. It was said to be sweet to the taste.

God provided the Israelites with manna every day of the week (except the 7th day) and He told them that they could not store manna up. They didn't have to as God had promised to provide them with new manna every morning.

Now, I certainly don't think this translates to saying that we do not need to save as God will provide new riches every morning. In fact, God provides, despite, over and above what we need just because He loves to bless us. I have never considered myself poor. In 1 Timothy 6, God says to us that "if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that". I have food, and I have clothes, therefore I am content.

God also teaches us to save, and to be wise with our money. Proverbs 21:20 says "the wise man saves for the future but the foolish man spends whatever he gets"

In this past year of going from full-time employment to being a student again, I have been living on manna. I'm not used to not being on an income. I had some money saved up when I was working and also a small grant from my employer, which was a real blessing indeed. As the academic year went by, I was slowly eating into this sum I've prepared for this year of full-time study.

Time and time again, God has blessed me generously and in a timely fashion. Every time I was in need, a cheque came in the post to meet that need, and a little bit more. They didn't come from my parents or family members as my family doesn't have much. I've checked the cheques (heh) to make sure they weren't sent to me by error, and can confirm they are legitimately, ethically and legally mine. God is so gracious, and this year has really taught me to live by faith in God as my source, and not by faith in my monthly payslip.

Today I felt a little defeated as I watched my bank balance drop dangerously low due to rent and bill payments. I've tried diligently to cover all bases, and apply for part-time jobs but interviewers are telling me my availability period (mid-April to mid-August) is too short. Today, I was told again that they "need someone until end of September". There doesn't seem to be a job for the period which I'm looking for. My studies require 40 hours a week (although I've managed to do with less) and I'm willing to do part-time work around that. Maybe I'm meant to focus on studying and finishing this very intense course.

I'm tightening the belt and honestly, I cannot see how I'm going to last until end of August this year when I start my full-time job. However, I know God is with me, and as long as I stay close to and delight in Him, and work hard, I have nothing to be anxious about.

Resolutions

You know how a lot of people make New Year resolutions? Well, my resolutions tend to happen during the start of the fiscal/tax year rather than 1st January. I know, I'm such a rebel. It's either that or I'm just a little bit slow...

So here we are, my very practical new year resolutions.

1. Read God's word every day. At the moment I miss some days out then read loads on other days. I really want to grow in Him and one of the best, most practical yet powerful ways is just to read God's truth in my life.

2. Do pilates training every morning except when I'm running.

3. Run twice a week - Wednesday and Saturday

4. Lose 7 kg by 30 June 2010, and a further 6kg by Christmas 2010. I'll be keeping tabs on that on the sidebar -->

5. Keep up to date with commercial awareness.

And that's about it folks!

Jewels

There is a well known verse in the Bible, the book of Matthew that says: 'Where your treasure is, there your heart is also'. Yesterday, we were encouraged to worship God with our hearts, not just with lip-service.



But did you know where God's heart and treasure is?

In Isaiah 62:3 it says

'You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God'

We are treasures in God's eyes. What an amazing thought! If you are a Christian, that is, if you believe that Jesus died for your sins, and you've chosen to give your life to Jesus, you are no longer just you. You are elevated, treasured by God and no one can rob you of that.

We were restored to worship God with our hearts now and forevermore. Praise God, my soul, all that's within me blesses His name.

Thanks to Natalia for sending me such an incredible verse!

Constant vigilance - and a confession

Today an old struggle dropped back to haunt me. I let my guard down, having had lots of revision to do and very little rest, I neglected my usual time with God. Even the very important prophet Daniel, a learned man with a full schedule set apart time with God, each and every day. King David, a busy ruler, set aside time each morning to just dwell in God's presence.

When I was a teenager, I lived in an elite girls' boarding school. It was very much a sorority environment - we looked out for each other and I loved every minute of the sorority life. However, I was obsessed with being perfect. There was always something to strive towards, and someone to model myself after - the prettier girl, the smarter girl, the more athletic girl, the dancer, the singer, the pianist, the cheerleader, the netballer, the hot one, the cool one... the list goes on. Being on scholarship, I wasn't well off like my paying friends were, but I fitted in well. I loved my time there but I was swept along the rat race. We enjoyed being 'admired' by the younger girls (it's complicated!) who gave us gifts on Valentine's day, and who would look up to us whilst we took them under our wing.

I wanted to make sure I would always be looked up to. As a child, I was always teased for being chubby but at the end of the day, I would come back home and the pressure is lifted. Then boarding school happened. All of a sudden there were 200 other girls in my age range. They were beautiful, rich, glossy, talented and clever. I started to eat very little and did a lot of exercise. I was up at 6.30 and running on the track, had P.E during school, played some basketball after school and swam before dinner. Some days I could get by with just a tiny cup of carrot sticks or nothing at all.

I was obsessed with being thin

I let my weight define my self-worth. I filled my mind with rubbish.

Then God found me. He defined me: a child of the King of Kings, saved, loved, highly favoured, a citizen of His kingdom.

I failed to fill my mind with the things of God this week. My workload got the better of me and the old habit of wanting to gain control crept back, stealthily, sneakily, cunningly. I was looking through some old photos of me back in boarding school - dance photos, choir photos, photos of us chilling in our dorms. Before I knew it, I was filled with horror at how fat I've become. How I've let myself go. How I'm not going to marry the "right" sort (rich, good looking, elite-society). How I've neglected my piano playing. How I haven't played netball in awhile and I bet I'm really sloppy with my footwork now.

I told myself I was ugly and fat.

WHAT RRRUBBISH!! (Dave Emmett style)

Well the enemy is a liar.

Romans 12:2 says "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I need to be vigilant in my relationship with God. It is after all the most important thing I will ever invest in.

Singapore and closure

After years of being away plus a lot of reflection and prayer, I can finally say, with absolute closure that Singapore is no longer a long term option. I love Singapore, I miss my friends there, and it's close to home, but there is something about permanence there that doesn't agree with me or the plans that God has for my life.

For a long time I have flirted with the idea of moving to Singapore to settle there permanently after I marry, since it's an English speaking country and I can practise law in Sg pretty easily (compared to the US). When I go back to visit you amazing people I feel a tinge of covetousness, like oooh I wish I was back here! Little pleasures like sitting in Clarke Quay with friends . And ooh the MALLS and the MRTS that take you virtually everywhere I just love it love it love it love it. I missed Singapore for a long time.

But I want my kids to know what I knew. When I was little, I didn't have PSLE worries or streaming or tuition. In fact, I never had tuition in my life. I did extra curricular activities for fun, not to earn points. I climbed the longan tree in my front yard, collected sea shells by the sea shore in my back yard, leapt over the neighbours fences to escape the resident psycho stray dog. I didn't have an elite upbringing, I didn't wear OshKosh B'gosh and I didn't go for Kumon classes. My only form of education before kindergarten was Big Bird on a fuzzy TV1 (the aerial had to be tweaked), digging up earthworms with my younger brother and helping my mum collect water from the water truck during the drought (somehow that memory sticks like gum to sole of shoe - there was a drought in Melaka, and the truck would come every two days and all the neighbours will walk out with pails. My mum will station me to watch for when the pail is full and I will yell "Mummy man3 le!!"). I don't necessarily want my kids to have the exact same memories but I do want them to know what it's like to not have people piling on expectations on them as to how to act, what to be, what not to be and how to learn. I won't let them get away with everything (my parents were dead strict) but I do want them to love childhood. I turned out fine, so I believe my kids will be fine learning at their own pace too.

I think Singapore produces extremely brilliant and talented people, and kids in Singapore are very blessed. But practically speaking, my dream house is pretty big (it's got a large kitchen!) and it has a back, side and front yard for the kids to play so practically speaking, that's not going to be possible in Singapore without plenty of moolah. So I need to be somewhere where land is more affordable.

I would love to be in Singapore for a season as a tourist, visitor or expat but that's as far as it goes. No offence to you very beloved people in Singapore, like seriously I love you guys and I love the convenience and shopping and LOVE LOVE LOVE Singapore. But God has called me to be elsewhere.

And the good news is wherever that elsewhere is, you guys can come stay in this lawyer's house and we can cook a meal together in my big kitchen :)

God wants Christian lawyers too

I am good at my job. I love my job and my workplace. But there used to be a time when I considered my job to be somewhat un-“Godly” compared to say, a doctor, teacher, carer or cleaner. I read the Bible and I don’t see my job described anywhere in Scripture. A corporate lawyer doesn’t exactly pop into mind when you think of a servant, teacher, prophet, evangelist, pastor or apostle.

Millions of pounds pass my hands so that they no longer feel like real money, just numbers on the screen. I have meetings with clients who want to restructure, buy companies, take them apart and sell them on. I speak with clients who step in as administrators when things go bad for a corporate body. I have calls with clients who want to downsize or outsource to limit their exposure and soften the blow of the economic downturn.

There will be days when I get a list of properties in which the client wants to terminate or sell its interest. They could be the company’s retail units around the world, manufacturing plants, branches of banks or entertainment centres or restaurants. I think about the number of people who are going to be relocated or made redundant as a result of the downsize. I think of their families and their lives, and how they will be affected, and I pray for them.

Part of my job is to keep track of the financial and political news. The characteristics of good corporate lawyers are that we are commercially and politically aware, efficient and good communicators. We should have sound legal knowledge and more importantly, we should be able to advise on practical solutions. There’s nothing in my job description that requires me to be a good teacher, pastor or servant. At least, not on the official job specifications.

God made me good at my job for a reason. In a commercial world where its players have a reputation for greed, bureaucracy and self-interest, I reflect a different order. God’s job specification for me is that I conduct myself with love and integrity. When my colleagues are stressed because of a completion, I can minister peace. I can testify that hard work and peace are in agreement, they are not contradictory. When gossip flies across the hallways, I can choose to listen to the truth. When panic of redundancies spread, I can minister God’s faithfulness to His beloved people. I can be excellent at my job whether or not my boss is looking over my shoulder.

But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all. Three things will last forever – faith, hope and love – and the greatest of these is love.

You can show love anywhere, even in the most unlikely places.

Photo taken from www.greekshares.com

I don't need a Paul Smith Evian bottle

I was walking through Selfridges and what do I see?

First up, a beautiful Christmas Hamper overflowing with luxury food items, complete with a cute polka-dotted bow.

And if a hamper just doesn't quite cut it, a tub full of Christmas food goodies! The Selfridges guys really know how to make the best of their visual displays. It's abundant, it's fun, it's colourful without being tacky, and it's a signature Selfridges yellow.

Mini (and full sized) bottles of Moet encrusted with Swarovski crystals. Try recycling those on New Year's day?


And finally, Paul Smith Evian bottles. Lets break this one down. It's a glass bottle. It contains water. It has candy stripes and the words "Paul Smith" printed on the glass. Would you pay the 1000% mark up to drink some mineral water?

I know it's pretty. I was going oooh and aaah too, but after some thought I simply cannot justify buying any of these items for myself. Instead of buying some water in a Paul Smith bottle, I'd rather spend the money on providing clean water to under-developed communities around the world. These gifts are cute, and I'll feel very blessed to give and receive gifts. There's nothing wrong with expensive gifts. But this Christmas, I've decided to play an active role in serving the world in which I live.

God placed me in this world to steward it, not to live a me-centred life.

I don't have the answers, and I'm not planning to go on a mega long trip to Somalia or Ethiopia or rural India. I don't need to go far away to make a change in a world which I'm responsible for. Every little counts! Think In Pennies :) Click on the link to find out more.

JS - Unashamed (cover)

I am still having exams but praise God, three down, one to go. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a song covered by Janice and Sonia. A great song about being able to stand before God unashamed not because of anything we've done, but because of our complete faith in Jesus.

The full armour

I was going through some old photos when I stumbled across this old one of my fiance D. D and I have known each other for more than five years now, and in four of those years, he was deployed to various parts of the world by the US military. I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious or worried for him. I certainly missed him a lot. Our relationship was rocky in the beginning but God gave us both the same word when we sought Him individually. That He is with us in our relationship, and that He has an awesome purpose for the both of us. All we had to do was seek Him first - and so we did. As the years went by, and he got re-re-re-deployed time and time again, being together with D felt like a losing battle. At the same time, my parents were keen on me pursuing a law degree in the UK, and I wanted to honour their decision. Studying in the US was too expensive for us to afford at that time anyway. So I came to Manchester, completely confused as to why this was the only open door when my boyfriend is American, and my family are in Malaysia and Singapore.

My first year in Manchester was a whirlwind. I didn't know anyone when I arrived, and I didn't know where to begin to establish a network here. I left home when I was 15 to go to boarding school in Singapore - and I made so many firm friends that moving again didn't really make sense.

Then I found a church family here in Manchester with King's Church. In hindsight, I see how God has worked in our lives through our situations. I have been equipped and challenged in King's to mature in God. My testimony is that in King's Church, my relationship with God is closer than ever, and I have got to know amazing brothers and sisters in Christ. We may not always understand why things happen when they happen, but all that matters is that we know God's truth. God's truth is in His word, and it's this truth that we have to stand on:

My God is mighty to save.

My God is the King of King's.

My God loves me with an everlasting and passionate love, regardless of what I have done in my past.

The favour of God is upon me through my faith in Jesus.

My God will never leave me nor forsake me. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.

Can you say the above about the person / entity / god in whom you place your faith or trust? Jesus loves you as much as he loves me. In the Bible, we are called to put on the armour of God. The belt of truth, the sandals of peace (an inner peace that transcends all understanding), the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation through Christ today and forever. The truth is, we are on the winning side of a battle against loneliness, low self-esteem, anxiety, poverty, depression, sickness and violence.

In my personal life, Jesus has been the ultimate comfort and wisdom to me when I was missing D. Indeed, without God, our relationship would have failed with the prolonged distance. We refuse to let the distance get in the way of us serving His kingdom today. I stand on God's promise that D and I will be together soon. As for now, God has provided the both of us with very full lives - full of God's work, service, blessing, power and family. It's such a privilege to serve the highest King!

The most important relationship

One very famous quote from the very brilliant designer Diane von Furstenberg:

"The most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself."

Diane was talking in the context of how we cannot rely on other people, or items, or ideas to make us happy. It follows that the most important relationship to build, first and foremost, is not our relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, material possessions or our job. It is instead the bond we have with ourselves. I have to love myself, take control of myself, invest in myself to build me up before I can even think of being "whole" enough to build relationships with the world. It's us in the driving seat of our lives.

As much as I love Diane's quirkiness and genius wrap dresses, I have to disagree with her on this one. As human beings, we are all so flawed. I can disappoint me, and indeed I have, so many times in my past. When I came to terms with that fact, I was halfway through my revelation. People are fallen persons, and yet God loves us so much that He continuously reaches out to us. He never gave up on us. God sent His only Son to die for our sins so we can have The Most Important Relationship with God, freely and limitlessly.

I learnt to love God first instead of loving myself. As I spend time with Jesus my Lord and my Best Friend, he starts to reveal things about me. I start seeing how God sees me. How I am completely and unequivocally loved. How I am His child, and I inherit His kingdom. How I am created beautiful in His image and how He has an amazing plan and purpose for my life. That made me love me a thousand times more!

The truth is, the most important relationship you could ever have is with Jesus. He needs to be in your driving seat. The freedom you will experience from surrendering all to Him is inexplicable. No more chaos, worry, self-loathe, pity, confusion, anger or anxiety. Jesus bore all of these on the cross so that you don't have to experience those things. Instead, we enter into a life of joy and peace that no situation nor person can take away from us when we accept Jesus into our lives.

Jesus died for all, not just me. And regardless of what you think of Him, or the state of your relationship with him, the unchangeable truth is this: He loves you more than you can ever understand or imagine.

Soulbaring

To be perfectly honest I like living here in the UK. The perks are endless - cheap journeys to continental Europe for travelling, an established and accountable government and systems, interesting people, a variety of places to hang out, eat, shop and explore and working here is not too shabby at all. Good friends and colleagues, and a great church family.

However I can't help wishing that I had more here - am I being greedy? I wished my family and friends from home were here. I wished Orchard Road was here. I miss Malaysian / Sgian conversations, my family and my boyfriend. Now to add to the confusion, Boyfriend is in sunny California.

I have been praying for an answer, a clear direction which is God's and not solely mine. Because Lord knows (literally) how confused I am. Should I/ Will I / Can I stay? Or should I go back to Sg/Msia?

Dear God,

You know the desires of my heart and that I long for a training contract here in the UK. My search has so far been futile and you know the disappointment I feel with each rejection that comes. I pray for your authority over my career, and that you will guide me to choose the right job and contract, and that I will succeed. I thank you Father for blessing me with my current job which I prayed for, for the experience has helped me grow in confidence and knowledge of the legal industry by leaps and bounds.

But most of all, I pray Father for you to show me where I should go, and grant me the patience, security and faith to wait upon You and seek You first.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.