Constant vigilance - and a confession

Today an old struggle dropped back to haunt me. I let my guard down, having had lots of revision to do and very little rest, I neglected my usual time with God. Even the very important prophet Daniel, a learned man with a full schedule set apart time with God, each and every day. King David, a busy ruler, set aside time each morning to just dwell in God's presence.

When I was a teenager, I lived in an elite girls' boarding school. It was very much a sorority environment - we looked out for each other and I loved every minute of the sorority life. However, I was obsessed with being perfect. There was always something to strive towards, and someone to model myself after - the prettier girl, the smarter girl, the more athletic girl, the dancer, the singer, the pianist, the cheerleader, the netballer, the hot one, the cool one... the list goes on. Being on scholarship, I wasn't well off like my paying friends were, but I fitted in well. I loved my time there but I was swept along the rat race. We enjoyed being 'admired' by the younger girls (it's complicated!) who gave us gifts on Valentine's day, and who would look up to us whilst we took them under our wing.

I wanted to make sure I would always be looked up to. As a child, I was always teased for being chubby but at the end of the day, I would come back home and the pressure is lifted. Then boarding school happened. All of a sudden there were 200 other girls in my age range. They were beautiful, rich, glossy, talented and clever. I started to eat very little and did a lot of exercise. I was up at 6.30 and running on the track, had P.E during school, played some basketball after school and swam before dinner. Some days I could get by with just a tiny cup of carrot sticks or nothing at all.

I was obsessed with being thin

I let my weight define my self-worth. I filled my mind with rubbish.

Then God found me. He defined me: a child of the King of Kings, saved, loved, highly favoured, a citizen of His kingdom.

I failed to fill my mind with the things of God this week. My workload got the better of me and the old habit of wanting to gain control crept back, stealthily, sneakily, cunningly. I was looking through some old photos of me back in boarding school - dance photos, choir photos, photos of us chilling in our dorms. Before I knew it, I was filled with horror at how fat I've become. How I've let myself go. How I'm not going to marry the "right" sort (rich, good looking, elite-society). How I've neglected my piano playing. How I haven't played netball in awhile and I bet I'm really sloppy with my footwork now.

I told myself I was ugly and fat.

WHAT RRRUBBISH!! (Dave Emmett style)

Well the enemy is a liar.

Romans 12:2 says "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I need to be vigilant in my relationship with God. It is after all the most important thing I will ever invest in.

Alive! Easter concert by King's Church Manchester

Winter on my street - Canon G11?

The biting cold has gone and evidence of spring is starting to peek through (albeit very reservedly!). Just to remind myself of the beauty of winter, I've put two photos up which I took with my simple digital camera. They turned out so pretty in the end I just had to share them with you!



The first is a frozen dewdrop surrounded by snowflakes and cobwebs nestling on the metal railings outside my apartment.




The next one is a photo of wilted red berries carrying the weight of some heavy early morning snowfall. The poor things were shrivelled up but still so brilliantly red. I imagine this is what inspires lots of Christmas themed colours (red and white). God our Creator is such an artist!

Unfortunately that digital camera was stolen a few days ago and now I am saving up to replace it. Am thinking of the Canon G11 but at its cheapest online, it's still a good £350!!! I love the idea of owning a DSLR but would hate lugging it around. I think for people like me who don't photograph professionally, utility is just as important as function, if not more. Most of the compositions I see in my head which I really want to photograph tend to be off-the-cuff moments when I'm out and about, on my way to the library, in the park or at lunch. I want something I can just whip out of my handbag when I see an opportunity.

I don't know, what do you think?

Dear future husband

I love you. You make me laugh so much. You're wise and steady, you keep a cool head under pressure. You never lose your temper, you're gracious, forgiving but firm. When I'm clearly in the wrong but stubbornly refuse to budge, you rebuke me with such love I never feel condemned.

You love and fear God, and I am so blessed that you'll be leading our household.

p/s Grandma thinks you're "not handsome" but I beg to differ!

Happy 2010 everyone!

It's snowing in Manchester. Lots and lots of fluffy fresh snowy goodness! This picture was taken miliseconds before I had a snowball pelted on my face.

Singapore and closure

After years of being away plus a lot of reflection and prayer, I can finally say, with absolute closure that Singapore is no longer a long term option. I love Singapore, I miss my friends there, and it's close to home, but there is something about permanence there that doesn't agree with me or the plans that God has for my life.

For a long time I have flirted with the idea of moving to Singapore to settle there permanently after I marry, since it's an English speaking country and I can practise law in Sg pretty easily (compared to the US). When I go back to visit you amazing people I feel a tinge of covetousness, like oooh I wish I was back here! Little pleasures like sitting in Clarke Quay with friends . And ooh the MALLS and the MRTS that take you virtually everywhere I just love it love it love it love it. I missed Singapore for a long time.

But I want my kids to know what I knew. When I was little, I didn't have PSLE worries or streaming or tuition. In fact, I never had tuition in my life. I did extra curricular activities for fun, not to earn points. I climbed the longan tree in my front yard, collected sea shells by the sea shore in my back yard, leapt over the neighbours fences to escape the resident psycho stray dog. I didn't have an elite upbringing, I didn't wear OshKosh B'gosh and I didn't go for Kumon classes. My only form of education before kindergarten was Big Bird on a fuzzy TV1 (the aerial had to be tweaked), digging up earthworms with my younger brother and helping my mum collect water from the water truck during the drought (somehow that memory sticks like gum to sole of shoe - there was a drought in Melaka, and the truck would come every two days and all the neighbours will walk out with pails. My mum will station me to watch for when the pail is full and I will yell "Mummy man3 le!!"). I don't necessarily want my kids to have the exact same memories but I do want them to know what it's like to not have people piling on expectations on them as to how to act, what to be, what not to be and how to learn. I won't let them get away with everything (my parents were dead strict) but I do want them to love childhood. I turned out fine, so I believe my kids will be fine learning at their own pace too.

I think Singapore produces extremely brilliant and talented people, and kids in Singapore are very blessed. But practically speaking, my dream house is pretty big (it's got a large kitchen!) and it has a back, side and front yard for the kids to play so practically speaking, that's not going to be possible in Singapore without plenty of moolah. So I need to be somewhere where land is more affordable.

I would love to be in Singapore for a season as a tourist, visitor or expat but that's as far as it goes. No offence to you very beloved people in Singapore, like seriously I love you guys and I love the convenience and shopping and LOVE LOVE LOVE Singapore. But God has called me to be elsewhere.

And the good news is wherever that elsewhere is, you guys can come stay in this lawyer's house and we can cook a meal together in my big kitchen :)

God wants Christian lawyers too

I am good at my job. I love my job and my workplace. But there used to be a time when I considered my job to be somewhat un-“Godly” compared to say, a doctor, teacher, carer or cleaner. I read the Bible and I don’t see my job described anywhere in Scripture. A corporate lawyer doesn’t exactly pop into mind when you think of a servant, teacher, prophet, evangelist, pastor or apostle.

Millions of pounds pass my hands so that they no longer feel like real money, just numbers on the screen. I have meetings with clients who want to restructure, buy companies, take them apart and sell them on. I speak with clients who step in as administrators when things go bad for a corporate body. I have calls with clients who want to downsize or outsource to limit their exposure and soften the blow of the economic downturn.

There will be days when I get a list of properties in which the client wants to terminate or sell its interest. They could be the company’s retail units around the world, manufacturing plants, branches of banks or entertainment centres or restaurants. I think about the number of people who are going to be relocated or made redundant as a result of the downsize. I think of their families and their lives, and how they will be affected, and I pray for them.

Part of my job is to keep track of the financial and political news. The characteristics of good corporate lawyers are that we are commercially and politically aware, efficient and good communicators. We should have sound legal knowledge and more importantly, we should be able to advise on practical solutions. There’s nothing in my job description that requires me to be a good teacher, pastor or servant. At least, not on the official job specifications.

God made me good at my job for a reason. In a commercial world where its players have a reputation for greed, bureaucracy and self-interest, I reflect a different order. God’s job specification for me is that I conduct myself with love and integrity. When my colleagues are stressed because of a completion, I can minister peace. I can testify that hard work and peace are in agreement, they are not contradictory. When gossip flies across the hallways, I can choose to listen to the truth. When panic of redundancies spread, I can minister God’s faithfulness to His beloved people. I can be excellent at my job whether or not my boss is looking over my shoulder.

But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all. Three things will last forever – faith, hope and love – and the greatest of these is love.

You can show love anywhere, even in the most unlikely places.

Photo taken from www.greekshares.com